Secretly Breaking
by ShatteredHeart15
Summary: Sophia has had a rough life from the start. She moves to New York to get away from it all. But when her past catches up with her and she is on the verge of committing suicide and believes she's not worth saving, who will be there in the end to save her from herself before it's too late? (Co-written with WritingForMySoul12)
1. First Night

_**A/N: Please be kind with your reviews. This Fan Fiction is going to have a lot of events talked about that actually took place in my life (like the sexual assaults **multiple times** that my character has been through from her step-dad), so please do not tell me I do not know what I am talking about because I have wrote stories before where I have been told that.**_

 _ **Trigger Warning: Self-Harm and Later Chapters Eating Disorder (Both of which I suffer from)**_

Sophia boarded the plane from Texas and never wanted to look back. Her whole life has been one giant mess. 'With this move I hope I can escape it all' she thought. She sat back in her seat hoping to be able to close her eyes to be able to get some sort of rest. She had always had great anxiety when it came to flying and usually had a full mental breakdown as the planes took off.

She closed her eyes and told herself to breathe as the plane began to go down the runway strip to take off. Sophia prayed to herself that she wouldn't have a breakdown in front of all these people and be embarrassed and scarred more than she already was. She felt the anxiety creeping up on her. She didn't want to panic. Not here, not right now. She got up once they were allowed. She got up from her seat to walk to the restroom on the plane. She needed to collect herself. She was ready to lose it.

When she got back to the restroom on the plane she shut the door behind her. She wish so badly she could cut to relieve it all. 'FUCK THIS' she wanted so badly to just get there already. She was stuck on this plane not able to use her coping skills whether she likes it or not. She collected herself from crying before she got out. Sophia walked back to her seat and stared out the window. 'We have to almost be there' she thought 'the flight wasn't supposed to be that long.' Just after she thought about this the flight attendant came on the intercom, "We will start to go down in altitude and be landing in 20 minutes". Sophia had never been so relieved. She was ready to escape and get away from all these people.

When the plane finally landed and she was able to get off she practically ran through the terminal. She couldn't stand being around so many people and them being so close to her. When she got outside she through her hand up to catch a cab. She headed into Manhattan where she would be permanently residing from now on. When she got there she got her keys to apartment after paying everything. She had no clue how things were going to go living on her own but she was excited for it. She knew she could have free range to do whatever she pleased and no one would stop her. As she got to her floor she seen her neighbor leaving. She looked down not wanting to make eye contact. Sophia just wanted to get through the door as quickly as possible. She put her stuff down and grabbed her smokes. She made her way back out the door but peered around to make sure no one was in sight. She had no interest in talking to anyone any time soon. She made her way down the stairs to the outside. Sophia seen a bench nearby and took a seat. She pulled out her cellphone and put it on the music for the current mood she was in. She pulled out her pack and a lit one up. She took a long drag and felt relief and was able to finally breathe.

She seen her neighbor walk past with her dog that she took for a walk. The woman walked up to her and introduced herself. "Hi, Im Olivia and this is my dog Zoe, I seen you walking in, your my new neighbor right?" Sophia was irritated. "Yeah I am, nice to meet you. I have to go bye." Sophia got up from the bench but felt her body sway from being so dizzy. She grabbed onto the brick wall, this was the normal for her. Olivia walked up to her. "Hey are you ok?" Sophia gathered herself enough to speak up and try to get rid of her. "Yeah I'm fine, please leave me the hell alone." She leaned away from the wall and tried to make her way back inside. She wanted to get away from this damn woman who can't seem to mind her own. When she got back inside she had no plans of leaving her apartment again. She was thankful she had enough money saved up in her account that she wouldn't have to look for work for at least a month. She locked her door and went over to the couch in her newly furnished apartment. She just wanted to hibernate and disappear. Out of sight out of mind. Just as she was about to close her eye's she looked down and seen it was her step-father. She immediately froze not able to move a single muscle. Everything that had happened to her flooded her mind. She chucked herself cellphone when she was finally able to move. It flew faster and harder at the wall than she thought she could. Her own strength surprised her considering the state she was in. 'Shit' she thought, 'Now I'm without a cellphone and I'm pretty sure the bitch Olivia who can't mind her own just heard that.' Before she could make a move to get the cellphone and see if it was fixable because apparently she couldn't think before she acted out there was a knock on her door. "GO AWAY" she yelled. "SORRY I MADE TO MUCH NOISE DISTURBING YOUR PEACE!" Olivia decided to walk away. She didn't want to push her into talking and making friends with her. Deep down inside though she knew something was off, something wasn't right.

Sophia reached over to the coffee table and grabbed her sleeping pills. She just wanted this day to be over with. She popped them and then drank some water to swig them down. She grabbed her blanket and went into the bedroom. "Please let me have no nightmares tonight?!" she begged saying out loud. She curled up in the bed with the blankets over top of her and hibernated in them. Not even a few hours later she woke up screaming so loud that Olivia heard it through the wall. It scared the shit out of Olivia hearing such a loud blood curdling scream. She jumped out of bed thinking someone was being murdered.

Sophia was too scare to move. She prayed no one would come to her door thinking she was being slaughtered. She got out of bed shaking and terrified. The nightmare felt so real. She made her way to the restroom and locked to the door behind her. She was crying harder than she ever had. She grabbed her shaver and busted it apart. She needed a sense of relief. Sophia dragged the razor repeatedly across her arm trying to make the images stop replaying in her head over and over. She was in such a haze she couldn't hear the knocks on her door. Olivia became worried and wasn't sure what to do. She couldn't just bust in and she was sure if Sophia was being murdered there would be more evidence and her door would be cracked but it was locked. There would be more signs of a breaking and entering. In all the years of being a cop she knew what to look for. Her heart was worried and breaking for her. It was late and she knew she had to be up early to get to the precinct. She didn't want to let it go but she didn't know what other choice she had.

Meanwhile Sophia grabbed a rag and held it over her arm. She sat her head back against the cabinet. She just wanted so badly to be able to sleep but at the rate she was going she knew it would be a cold day in hell before that would ever happen.


	2. If For A Moment

**Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideations**

 **A/N: Eating disorder thoughts at the end of this chapter and talk of behaviors. (I have personally pulled this one, but I am happy to say I am working at recovery now) Sorry for such a short chapter and taking so long to update. I have a lot of personal things going on.**

Sophia sat on the floor next to her bathroom counter unable to move, barely able to breathe, or make a sound. Her body was in a trance. She had forgotten what it was like to even feel anymore. Before she had realized it the sun was starting to come up. Another night without real rest was starting to become the normal for her.

Sophia was forcing herself to snap back to it. She put her palms on the cold tiles pushing her lifeless barely there body and soul up off the ground. She stared upon her reflection in the mirror. She no longer could recognize herself. She slowly crept out of her restroom to keep herself from passing out. She checked her phone to look at the weather. It was supposed to be really warm that day, but she couldn't allow herself to wear short sleeves. Her body was covered in scars and several lines of fresh wounds.

She decided to put a long sleeve shirt on with a regular shirt over top and a baggy pair of jeans. She put them on and was happy with herself on how they could barely stay up anymore. She dug down into her suitcase for a belt but the minute she put it in her hand she had the quick though of putting it around her neck, choking herself into eternal peace. "All it would take it one time and I would no longer have to be in this place." She shook it off when she hear a loud pounding on her door.

"Sophia, its Olivia honey. I wanted to check on you before I head off to work."

'Could this twat announce her business any louder' she thought.

Sophia walked carefully over to the door trying not to trip over the clothes she had tossed everywhere. She got over to the door and cracked it open.

"Hi Olivia...I will let you in if you promise to stop announcing my business to the entire apartment building, seriously have you never learned how to comprehend what an inside voice is or did you skip that skill in kindergarten."

Olivia couldn't believe the stuff that was coming out of this girl's mouth but she tried to not take it so personally. She knew that people who lash out like that are carrying a pain so much deeper.

"I just want to see if you were ok, I heard your blood curdling scream through the wall last night. My bedroom is on the other side."

Sophia thought for a quick second to come up with a lie.

"Yeah I'm fine, I'm such a klutz. It was so dark in my room and I ran right into the end table and it dropped the lamp on my foot, but I am good now. Promise." She giggled at the end. She was so good she almost believed herself.

Olivia wasn't sure if to believe her or not but she also didn't want to push this girl who she didn't even know but only through brief passing's.

"Don't feel bad." Olivia spoke up, "I have those moments also. Sophia would you like to come to my place for dinner tonight. I am having some friends over from the precinct and I know you are new to the city, thought maybe you would like to get to know some people."

Sophia thought for a moment. She did want friends but was so terrified of letting anyone in. "Ughm yeah sure….I don't see why not." Besides she thought for a moment. 'This couldn't hurt it's not like she had to eat and if she did she could just go get rid of it and make an excuse why she needs to run home real quick.'

Olivia smiled. "Be at my place at 7pm." She let Sophia know as she was hobbling over the mess of clothes on the ground. "Well I have to get to work, see you tonight." Olivia walked out the door and Sophia was so happy it had never been so easy to get rid of someone. She closed the door after Olivia left and locked the door. She walked over to her phone and blared the music, drowning out every thought that came near.


	3. Pushing People Away, It's all I know

_**A/N: This story is being co-written with WritingformySoul12 (shes my soul sista, check out some of her stuff its really good) ^_^**_

Later that night Sophia became more and more anxious as 7pm arrived. She started shaking on her couch. Her body was trembling. She made sure to over-sized clothes on and a hoodie with pockets to hide food at the dinner table. She lifted herself up off the couch even though it was harder than ever to do. She swayed her way to the door to go to Olivia's. She knocked lightly on the door hoping she wouldn't answer but there was no such luck. "Hi...Olivia, thank you for inviting me." Sophia trembled through the door not looking forward to seeing these people she didn't even know, she barely knew Olivia for that fact but wanted to be nice and turn down her invitation. "Your welcome, follow me and I will introduce you to the people I work with, I promise you they are really nice."

Sophia followed Olivia into the living room where she was introduced.  
"Everyone, this is my neighbor Sophia." Olivia said when everyone stopped talking and stared at Sophia. "Sophia, this is Amanda, Fin and Nick."  
Sophia fidgeted a little before she mumbled a shy and quiet "Hi..."  
Everyone said "Nice to meet you." Fin offered her a glass of wine. Sophia gratefully took it but wished it was something stronger. She was having intense anxiety. Olivia watched peeked in on Sophia while she was in the kitchen plating up the take out. She noticed Sophia had gotten off to herself and that she had gulped 3 glasses of wine. "Dinner is served!" She announced, stepping back into the living room. She set the take out up buffet style and told everyone to serve themselves. Once everyone was seated at the table and started eating, Olivia noticed Sophia picking at her food and cutting everything into tiny little pieces. She frowned and kept watching Sophia across the table. If she hadn't been watching Sophia so closely she would have missed her grabbing a handful of food and stuffing it into her hoodie pocket. She didn't say anything. She wanted to talk to her about it in private. She decided when everyone left she would ask Sophia to stay. She wanted a chance to break down Sophia's walls and see if she could help her.

After the meal was over Sophia wanted to get out of there. Her nerves were on high. "Sophia, did you get enough to eat?" Olivia asked. "Yup sure did it was delish, I'm really full. Thank you for inviting me, but I'm getting pretty tired and have stuff to do around home." Olivia spoke up before she could get up from the table and walk away. She wanted to get her to talk and confront her about what she seen at dinner hiding her food in her pockets. "Actually Sophia if you hold off a few minutes I will help you, I know what it's like to be overwhelmed by moving into a new place and trying to get settled in and making it your own". Sophia didn't have the energy to fight it but would sure boot her out after 30 minutes. "Ughm sure..."

After Olivia sent everyone home and put the leftover food away, she followed Sophia next door. "How are you liking the city so far?" She asked.  
Sophia was trying to put the key in the door with shaky hands. "I haven't seen much of it." She said. She hated when people started questioning her. And what was it about her that this woman was drawn to?  
"How about on my next day off, I give you a tour?" Olivia suggested.  
"Uh sure. That would be nice I guess." Sophia said. She finally got the door open and let Olivia in. "Sorry about the mess."  
"It's ok. I completely understand. My house looked like a hurricane had gone through it before dinner." Olivia said with a laugh. "So, at dinner I saw something. I saw you take food off your plate and put it in your pocket..." She decided to just go for it.

Sophia looked at Olivia like a deer in a head light. "Ughm, I wanted a snack for later it's no biggie. So how is your work, got any big cases lately?" Sophia tried to change the subject quickly. "I will be right back need to change." Sophia walked into her bedroom and found a pair of shorts and a tank top and threw them on. She emptied her pockets into the toilet and flushed it. She crept her way out to see Olivia sitting on the couch and sat next to her to flip the TV on to drown Olivia out. "Sophia honey I just want to talk. Somethings not right and I can tell." Olivia looked over to her and seen every bone in her body jutting out so sharp. "I don't know what you're talking about everything is great." Just then she looked down at her cellphone and one after another she got several texts calling her a lying whore.

Before Sophia could think about it she chucked her phone across the room and ran into the bathroom, locking herself in. She grabbed a towel and screamed into it. Then she started yanking open all the drawers and cabinets until she found her razor.  
Olivia got up and picked up Sophia's phone and saw the text messages with more coming in. She put it on the table and headed down the hall to check on Sophia.  
Sophia had just made several cuts and was starting to feel like she could breathe again when she heard Olivia at her bathroom door.  
"Sophia? Are you ok? I saw the text messages. Honey, you don't deserve that." Olivia said.  
"Go away." Sophia said calmly.

"Sophia, I'm not going anywhere. Not until I know you're ok." Sophia became flustered. "Lady I think you have over stayed your welcome, you have no right to stay I didn't deserve any of that when you have no clue what's going on, please get out of my house" she yelled through the door so hard her face turned cherry red. "Sophia?" She get so pissed at that point she swung the door open with full forced that it slammed against the wall and put a whole through it with the door knob. "What language do you speak because it's clearly not English, get the fuck out of my house. Do I have to say it slower for you to comprehend?" Olivia looked down and seen the blood running down her arm into her hand onto her finger tips to the beige carpet leaving a permanent stain. "Honey you're bleeding, you don't ha e to do this to yourself." Sophia was ready to blow. "It's none of your fucking business, mind your own. And don't honey me!" Olivia just looked at her. "Are you done yet screaming? These cuts need cleaned up." Sophia looked over with a nasty glare. "Maybe if u get the hell out of my house I could do just that." She slammed the door back in her face and locked it. She dug into her cutting supplies and cleaned them up and put Neosporin on them so they wouldn't get infected. What she didn't know is Olivia can do this all night and she isn't going anywhere.

Sophia got out her cleaning supplies and cleaned up the blood on the tile in the bathroom. She didn't know what time it was, she just wanted to crawl into her bed and sleep for the next week. She was so tired. She unlocked and opened the bathroom door and she jumped when she saw Olivia leaning against the wall with her arms folded. Sophia placed her hand on her chest and felt her heart racing against it. "YOU COULD HAVE GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK! WHAT THE HELL?!" She shouted. "Why are you still here? I told you to leave..." She marched past Olivia and into her kitchen.

Olivia follows after her and watches as Sophia pulls down a bottle of Smirnoff and a shot glass. She sighs. "You're right, I don't know what's going on. But I do know that no one deserves to be called the names your family called you. I just want to help you. The more you push me away the more I want to break your walls down. I care about you. I can't explain why. I just want you to know that I do."  
Sophia finished off her second shot and set the glass down for a refill. "Thanks for your public service announcement. How many times did you rehearse that one?" She rolled her eyes and took her third shot. She didn't need Olivia. She didn't need anyone. No one had helped her before. She moved so far away from everyone to deal with things the way she had always dealt with them alone and she knew it was better off that way because she knew what it was like when people you trust burn you the most.

"Listen you rehearsed parrot talking bitch, see your way out my front door or I will call the cops for harassment, I'm sure that would look lovely on your detective record!" Olivia started to get flustered but didn't want to push her so hard she shut down. She followed behind her and gladly opened the door for her. She swung her arm in a circle and pointed out the front door, "Bye Felicia!"

Finally some peace and quiet she mumbled to herself.

Sophia made her way to her bedroom in hopes of just sleeping. She curled up into bed. She didn't even care anymore. She just hoped she would die in her sleep so she could finally be at ease, a place of serenity and no longer be in this place they call life but was actually hell.


	4. ER VISIT

Crawling into bed she knew it was too good to be true instantly images flooded her mind and she couldn't shut them off. She was ready to lose it. She began to toss and turn but eventually gave up. She shouted out in frustration. "FUCK IT!" she crawled out of bed and grabbed her smokes off the night stand along with her lighter. She walked out of her apartment but made sure she had pepper spray on her. Ever since everything happened to her she trusted no one. She crept down the stairs of the apartment complex and out to the picnic table. She pulled out her cellphone and turned on music to match her mood even if it was depressing.

She seen Olivia out with her dog Zoe for her night walk. 'Shit' she thought she tried to turn the other direction so she couldn't see her. "Sophia!" Olivia spoke out. "Are you ok?" 'The Fuck' Sophia thought to herself. 'Does she not know how to mind her own?'

Olivia walked up to her as Sophia took a deep drag. "Sophia?" She was becoming more and more frustrated. "I heard you lost your nose but hey don't worry I found it in my business where it doesn't belong!" Sophia just wanted this woman to leave her alone. It was like she wanted to do nothing but pry into her personal life like she actually mattered.

"Look Sophia, I'm sorry for pushing you. I just want to help you so much. I can see the pain you're trying to hide and I want to help you put it behind you." Olivia said.

"Well, I didn't ask for your help. Nor do I need it." Sophia snapped. She was so irritated she lit up another cigarette and took a long drag.

"Sometimes a person comes along to help you heal. I can hear your soul crying out for help even if you're not and you think everything is fine." Olivia said.

"Can we be done with this conversation?!" Sophia snapped. She put out her cigg and stomped back inside.

Olivia watched her go and sighed. She scratched Zoe behind her ears and patted her back. "I'm not giving up." She said out loud.

Sophia was extremely agitated by the time she made it back into apartment. She was pacing and silently cussing Olivia out. She just wanted to hit something. And before she really thought about it she punched her door with so much force, she felt the bone snap.

"Son of a bitch!" She shouted really loudly! "Holy Fucking Shit!" 'Whelp at least I get pain killers out of this.' She held her hand as she grabbed her keys. She had no idea how she was going to manage to get herself to the hospital. She finally sucked it up and went to Olivia's door to ask if she could take her and make up a lie how it happened. She took in a deep breath and exhaled while also trying to grit through the intense pain.

She came up to Olivia's door and knocked with her good hand. Olivia came to the door and opened it almost instantly. She looked down. "OMG Sophia, what happened honey?" Sophia looked down. "Please don't ask any question and try to pry, please just take me to hospital." Olivia nodded and took her to the ER and flashed her badge so she could go back immediately.

Sophia was sitting in the room waiting for the Doctor.

The Doctor came in and squeezed some hand sanitizer into her palm. "Hi, I'm Dr. Bennett. What's going on?"

"I tripped over my area rug and put my fist through my door while trying to catch myself." Sophia lied so easily.

Dr. Bennett nodded and wrote her up for X-Rays. "When you come back with a confirmed break, I'll put a cast in it and write you up a scrip for pain killers. But for now, I'll get you hooked up to an IV and get you some Demerol."

"Thanks Dr. Bennett." Sophia said.

A nurse came in to lead Sophia to the X-Ray department. After her X-Rays were finished and sent to the Dr. and then she went back to the room and waited for Dr. Bennett.

"Ok, so you shattered a couple of the tiny metacarpals in your hand and your pinky and index finger." Dr. Bennett said.

Sophia was feeling the effects of the Demerol by then. "Wow..."

"I'm gonna get you patched up. Is there someone to drive you home?" Dr. Bennett asked.

"Yeah." Sophia said. She was higher than a kite.

Dr. Bennett fixed Sophia up and led her back to the waiting room. "Anyone here for Sophia Taylor?"

Olivia shot up out of her chair. "I am!" She walked over to Dr. Bennett and Sophia. "Is she ok?"

"Her hand is broken." Dr. Bennett started. "I wrote her a prescription for some painkillers and she had an IV drip of Demerol so she needs to be monitored tonight." She explained.

After Olivia picked up Sophia's prescription she drove them home and helped Sophia upstairs to her apartment. "Since you can't stay by yourself tonight, you have no choice but to stay with me. I'll make up the couch bed for you and let you get some sleep." Olivia said... "No nonsense."

Sophia just nodded and fell onto the bed Olivia pulled out for her. She was out in a matter of seconds.

Olivia just hoped that maybe in the morning she will be at least willing to open up to her. Maybe this could be it and she could finally help her.


	5. A Life Almost Lost

The next morning Sophia started to wake. She couldn't believe she slept the whole night through. She looked over and seen Olivia watching TV and drinking coffee. "How did you sleep?" Olivia asked. "Amazing actually, that was some good shit, I can't wait to pop another!" Speaking of which, she went to try and find the bottle. "What the hell where are my pain pills." Olivia looked over next to her coffee cup and poured a pill out. "What the hell?! I am not a child. I don't need you to hand me my pills." Olivia begged to differ. They did blood work and drug testing last night. Her levels were really bad and she popped positive for a high amount of Codeine in her system far beyond an amount that should have been in her system. She wanted to confront her about this.

"I think you do need to be monitored. I took a peek at your chart last night. They ran a drug test on you and it came back positive for a high amount of Codeine." Olivia said.

"What right did you have to peek at my chart?! You're not my Mother or a family member and I did not give my consent!" Sophia shouted. She jumped to her feet. She was out of there.

Olivia stood up as well. "What has happened to you that has caused you to shut everybody out? Honey, sometimes people come into your life to help you. Not everyone wants to destroy you."

Sophia clenched her fists in rage and she really wanted to punch Olivia in the face. She didn't buy this woman's lies. Everyone she had ever trusted had hurt her and she wasn't going to allow it to happen again. "I don't have to listen to you! I'm out of here!" She shouted. She reached around Olivia, grabbed her pills and stormed out of Olivia's apartment. She made sure to slam the door as hard as she could when she left. When she walked into her own home she slammed her door as well. Causing the few picture frames she had hung up to rattle.

Olivia could hear her from next door. She could tell that she was beyond pissed at this point. Sophia began to scream into a pillow. 'Why can't this damn woman just leave her alone already? Why does she insist on being in her business like she actually mattered?'

She was ready to blow her top at any moment. She didn't want to be her anymore. She wanted to fade and disappear. Before she could complete that thought she grabbed the pain pill bottle and poured the whole thing into her hand and tossed this back. This was it. She could finally die with no one to stop her. Meanwhile Olivia and an itch that something wasn't right. Something in her gut told her that something with Sophia just wasn't ok. Sophia felt the grogginess taking over her. She tried to make her way to her bed and crashed into the coffee table and instantly fell to the floor. Olivia heard this and darted up quicker than she ever had.

Olivia didn't even think twice before she broke down the door. "Sophia?!" She called. She walked into the apartment and saw Sophia face down on the living room floor. She rushed over to her and immediately searched for her pulse. With her free hand she called for an ambulance. And she pulled the cop card so they would arrive faster. She could tell Sophia was fading. She picked up the empty bottle of pain killers and sighed. Tears pricked her eyes. She should have never let Sophia leave with them.

The ER doors burst open with Olivia right behind them.

"What do we have here?" The ER Doctor asked."She overdosed on these!" Olivia said holding up the empty bottle of pain killers. "Ok, we need to pump her stomach NOW!" The ER Doctor shouted to his staff. The Doctor and the nurses crowded around Sophia and began working to pump her stomach of the pills.

Olivia watch through the window in complete horror at the sight, she should have known, she did know. All the signs where there. She almost lost the girl she knew that needed help. She prayed deep down that this would be the moment that she could get Sophia the help she needed. She was in crisis. Olivia was thankful though she got there in time to save her before she succeeded in taking her own life.


End file.
